As we watched the pin-headed Republicans take over every institution in this country and pervert them into a place of “family values” with a glossy overcoat, there was one place in America that stood as a big Fuck You to every conservative ideal and person who though living right meant studying and going to class; The Temple of Gonzo.
It was simple home deep in the heart of Anthony Street, and if you had the testicular fortitude to enter its hallowed halls of nudie pictures and stolen street signs, you would be changed forever.
The amount of booze that flowed from this place is too high to even begin to count (especially when it is being dumped on a woman from a 35-gallon swimming pool), but it served as our source of power as we battled dumbass skateboarders who try to pick fights and stripper handlers that are skilled bow-staff fighters.
We took crap from no one and made a few enemies along the way. None of us were perfect – except maybe for Poon who made sure we paid the bills on time - but we still lived life the fullest for nine months out of this past year.
We honored the death of our hero, Hunter S. Thompson, by getting piss drunk and attempting to burn down our own apartment. We threw our parties by preparing for them only five minutes in advance and made sure we all were already drunk as people arrived.
We provide drugs, alcohol and a damn good time to anyone who wandered down the hill from the MU campus, and we judged no one expect for those who now stand at the alter prepared to drink and become new members of the priesthood in the Temple – Fred’s sister and that kid from the College Democrats, I am talking to you.
With the end of the school year we see two of our members leaving to become missionaries in the world spreading the ideals of Gonzo and getting ridiculously drunk on a Monday (it happened more than we can remember).
Now the mantel rests on two who must carry this institution into the next year. It is no doubt that we, as the remaining members, will be able to continue our functions. My worry is that the two new individuals who will be populating the temple. They are new, young and naive – the perfect combination to inflict teachings.
But will they be willing to accept our way of life? Can they withstand the mind-altering experience of seeing a six-foot five man fall down repeatedly? If not, then we will scare every bit of sensibility out of these swine and break them down to their core only to rebuild them into the deadbeat, alcoholics that we are today.
Still, fear runs through the emptied halls of Gonzo. There is an apprehension that chills everyone who fears the Temple may never be what it once was. With 50 percent of our leadership gone, we run the risk of losing our grip and falling from the standards we have set for ourselves. The pools of alcohol might run dry; the Monday, Tuesday and Sunday night drinking may move back to the Thursday, Friday, Saturday settings. We might actually have to star attending classes if no one else is willing drink with us.
Never. This I vow to combat, if half of the house is leaving, then the two remaining members will have to be twice as Gonzo and drink twice as much. We will continue to hump along this path of life and make it interesting not just for ourselves, but those who are unfortunately sitting next to us at the Heidelberg as we begin spitting beer down a woman’s shirt and licking it up – that is after we removed her bra in public.
We have come through this year with a few bumps and bruises, we have gathered our fair share of scrapes as we drag our asses through this university, but with HST as my witness, we will return twice as strong with only half the members.
The sequel of any movie always blows. It is rare to see a movie that can be better, stronger, funnier and more outrageous than the first without sacrificing some quality. But since we at the Temple are not in the market for quality, we do not have to worry about that. We will only have to worry about when our next drinking binge will begin and from what Greek house can we steal more beer.
Coulter and myself will be able to hold down the fort while our brothers spread the word of Gonzo like an STD (although if it were a real STD they could skip Omaha, they seem to be doing fine on their own).
If we can’t hold down this sacred fort, then we both will burn it down.