Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy (fucking) Valentines day...

"Why do you eat and drink so much?"
"Well, at least I can feel full rather than nothing at all."
- Bobby Hill to Bill on King of the Hill.

Wonderful, it is another great holiday that we all can gather around and sing the hymns of love and pure kindness and other rot like that.

Valentines Day - where we wait for Love to come bounding down the chimney to fill our stockings with various STD and other disapointments. Well, kiddies, just like Santa Clause, Love does not exist. it was a fucking lie perpetuated by your parents as they fell deeper and deeper into an abusive relationship with eachother.

this nugget of information was not imparted to me by my professors or some role model - no, it was shouted at me by some asshole in a moving vehicle. It actually sounded more like Suck my Balls, but the meaning was the same.

Of course, as people all over the country embrace and show how much they love eachother despite how much weight they have yet to lose post-new years resolution, I sure as hell was not about to let anyone be happy around me today.

Sitting in my quasi-office one young girl came bounding in and announced that after her studying and class work, her current boyfirend of the week was going to take her to dinner at some fancy place and then spend the evening with her watching some movie about how we all were simpler in high school or about how life can be summed up by one hopless comedy of idiots who do not know shit about the world.

I was not going ot have this. So I found something I did not like about her and proceded to yell at her for about 15 minutes.

"I was having such a good day until now," she said on the verge of tears.

"Not my problem. Fuck you."

Fuck, it was even more depressing today as I was sitting in my attoreny's office and we both mused about this jovial day of mirth and frivolity.

"You know, it is kind of sad that the only phone call I am expcting to wish me a happy valentines day is from my Mom," my attorney thought outloud burying his head into the newspaper and trailing off.

The sad part was so far that day my mom had already called me. That was the only phone call I expcted too. Oh, but don't pitty me or think I am some kind of abnormality.

I sit pretty comfortably at the news desk of the Missourian. The only thing I envy right now is the team of sports reporters who are violently writing and reporting the latest cluster-fuck by this athletic department. Shit, when will this god-awful storm end. They get to write the stories, I jsut sit here and read them like everyother braindead idiot who picks up this garbage we call The Missourian.

You know, I have had fun valentines days in the past (grade school parties and crap in high school does not count). No, last year was amazing. There was no expectation or planning. It was just me drunk in a tree shouting nonsence to the people below. Next to me is the one woman who seemed to understand it all and continued to reach into my coat pockets for her next beer. But she is gone now.

Never again.

Dan Savage was talking in his column that Valentines day really is nothing more than a corporate holiday. Well, that is nothing new, but I did appreciate his counter-holiday to this vile event

Steak and Blow Job day.

On this day women across the country will serve up a fine steak and one blow job to each guy. Instead of chocolates and flowers - T-bone and a face fuck.

Frankly, he said, the only reason it has not made it natioanl, is becasue Halmark has yet to figure out how to fit it all on a card. This is the kind of man who needs to be a woman - that I can date.

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