It is a setence that i have actually said to myself out loud a number of times this week. The whole point was that I was going to somehow write about what this meant to me.
SOmehow derive a point that not only was entertaining but also enlightening. It was going ot make you sit up and take notice.
The one sentence was going ot make you start cheering for me each time i decided to get up off my ass from a job that is slowing sucking my soul and run for an hour or do afew crunches.
Instead, as i say it to myself over and over with each rythmic pounding of my feet on a treadmill i find it to more depressing.
I have gotten to a point in my life where the excess and the party has ended.
I quit drinking two weeks ago. I becasme to much for me.
I was tired of feeling sick and all I was doing was making myself sick every night of the week.
BUt that does not explain my sudden desire to want to run and lift weights like the scrwball meat heads that I see every night at the gym at the same time
10 p.m. lats. 11 p.m. glutes
It is a system that not even the biggest of weight-and-ballance clocks could disrupt.
But this is not about those sorry animals who measure their worth by the amount they bench press. Fuck no, this is my rant about where I am.
I turned whatever this frutration with my co-workers and the people around me (which are few and far between) and have turned into a raw energy that allows me to run 2 miles every night for 10 mins at a time.
Its kind of sad to think that it took this kind desperation to want to work out. Then again, as i said before, I am jsut bored.
I have nothing better to do with my time than to run and pump and do something that does not invovoeld me force feeding myself fried foods or beer.
It something that i have done to keep my mind from wandering about all the self doubt that has kept me from being social or trying to actually meet people.
Fuck, who needs people. I got my 2 miles.
I got time where i can fade into a headset of music and thoughts from the past day.
We got a new person on the desk. Another woman. I don't know why I have become so frightened to talk to people all of a sudden.
I avoided her so i did not have to introduce myself. she sits directly acrosss from me at the City Desk, but i maamnged top pretend to be busy that i did not look up from my computer or notes long enough to even say hi.
I escaped at 7 p.m. and went stright to the gym Maybe to punish myself for being rude....maybe becasue i did not want to sit alone at home eating noodles and tomato sause...maybe becasue i am too cheap to even buy that and decided to jsut skip dinner all together.
Whatever the reason, I run now. no emotion, jsut sweat and sore muscles. You want ot feel pain, bench press your own weight.
I run listening to songs sung by a dead man.
I did not know this man, nor is there any literature on him. Only the stores that were told to me about his life before he took his own.
Its good music.
Not that anyone would know that. He is not famous or known for his music. He is just another man. Another man who got bored and found something to do.
He bored himself talented.
If only i could bore myself a personality again.