Thursday, April 26, 2007

A memo drifts mournfully off a southern wind

Ministry of Gonzo – Kansas City

To: The lack luster band of fucks that call yourself followers
From: Ministry of Gonzo – Intra-office affairs.

To all,

It’s time we pack up and move the hell out of the unforgivable city that birthed us from its loins.

For too long we have suffered the injustices that it has laid down on our skull in this past year. Just this week, for example, a man was arrested after a part of his house exploded. Apparently, this jackass was building pipe bombs and left them unattended in his house as he went out for his morning jog.

On his return, he found a potion of his house blown to splinter and a thick fiery smoke billowing from what used to be his garage. The police were swarming so he decided to make a break for it. The police dogs managed to grab hold of his jugular vein and drag him down in a torrent of screams and pleas for mercy.

This, of course is only the most recent travesty to plague our quiet neighborhood where curbs and sidewalks are a luxury that only the high and mighty can afford. As the weather has warmed a familiar odor has started to waft though the quiet streets of our neighborhood. It is not quite the smell of summer or new trees and flowers. Nay, it is the smell of bleach being boiled in the house down the block as it prepares another major bath of meth to be pushed to the kids on big wheels and mothers lacking even the most simple of teeth to gnash at their evening TV dinners.

The break-in at the Ministry was the last straw, though. The terrible event disintegrated the last amount of desire I had to live in this city. My own childhood home no longer held the allure it used to.

No, catamount, this memo is not here to serve as some evil diatribe on Independence and all that is wrong with it – and by god there is a lot that is wrong with this vile town. Today we announce that the Ministry will be moving its Kansas City Branch Office downtown to a new central location.

This weekend the Ministry of Gonzo will officially open its newly constructed offices in a more desirable and hip River Market location in downtown Kansas City.

The suburbs are over rated and only lead to soul crushing depression.

With the move, the Ministry will also be expanding as we take on another staff member. The new disciple of Gonzo will begin his training process later in May when he joins the Ministry. Mike has been a loyal follower in our fellowship program and is now preparing to make the full commitment and work with the Ministry to bring the world even more of our absurdity and abusive behavior to this vicious world.

We have seen former disciples of the Good Word move on to bigger and better things, but because their identities remain a matter of national security we cannot reveal where or how they are doing.

Our new offices will not only be exquisite and state of the art, but they will also be more secure, with the newest electronic key entry locks and laser cut keys to the most advanced Tazer technology to take down all those Jesus freaks and criminals that attempt to bum rush the new offices.

We ask that you raise and glass and drink irresponsibly to the new, improved Ministry of Gonzo – Kansas City Bureau. The walls have yet to be tainted with the stout beers that we will undoubtedly duel with. Give it time.

Please address all new correspondence to:
Ministry of Gonzo
c/o Office of external communications and drug acquisition
500 East 3rd Street
Suite 301
Kansas City, Mo., 64106

You may resume wasting your life,
Director of Ministry Affairs
Ministry of Gonzo – Kansas City Bureau

1 comment:

blythe said...

Holla.

That is all.