Sunday, June 03, 2007

Knocked up

Is it wrong to say I want children?

When did it become uncouth to say I want a toeheaded daughter or a wild son?

Why can I not say I want these things in the long run and still maintian some kind of street cred with the rest of the world?

What makes the the whole hip world against children? Becasue they drag you down? Becasue they make you realize there is more in this world than just you? Becasue they make you realize that love can exsist with out fornication or some headonistic goal?

Where is it written or perscribed that to live a sucesfull life you have to be un attachded and unregualted?

You, some say, have to live a life that is without restrictions. The only way to live is to live without boundaries.

I think that is wrong.

I don't base this off some movie I saw - it serves as a good cultural starting point, though - the marksman's gun that starts this foul race I am going to call this entry.

You get on your marks, you set, you go. Then what?

You race like a fool to the end line hoping, to every god you pray to, that you will end up there alone - becasue only then you have yourself to congratulate.

Its easy to split a prize one way.

Still, you are alone.

A thunderous applause for your success sound fairly meager when no one is there to see it happen. You think your elders - or peers - will be there? You are only fooling yourself.

But what if you want more than that? Is there such a thing? Do you think my own parents care about that finish line we have imagined in our own heads?

Do they know they are in some race for success? And with every child they have only added a sandbag to their shoulders as they reach, forever more, for that finish line?

I can't answer that. I can't tell you what they think.

I can tell you that after watching family, friends and close associate marry and have children, there is something there that I want.

There is a relationship that i dont think i even realized i had with my own parents. Being a parent, for the most part, seems like a one-way relationship. You give and give and continue to give even after you have been pissed on time after time.

Why? Becasue it is your own flesh and blood.

Becasue even after they move away and decide to do their own thing, you see yourself in them. Your own dreams and ideologies, you see youself.

You can hate yourself so much that you emancipate your own child. That is something you have to live with.

Or you can love youself and your child that even after a selfhish act, you still buy them dinner and make thme feel good. You can be there when the shit hits the fan .

You can simply exsist for them.

I've seen it happen. With my own, with my family, with friends, with those who surround me in life.

Who else do you simply exsist for?

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