Monday, October 22, 2007

Shit storms and dog costumes

This is the last time, paragraph factory.

I can’t believe after all we went though, you could pull a stunt like this. I thought we had an agreement. An understanding. A shared assumption that this would not happen again.

But no.

I saddle up to the desk and what do I see. Another damn animal dressed up in a costume. The paragraph factory – printing all the news that fits.

If readers send it in, we will run it in a big bold color spread and call it a feature.

I am sure there are people who love their animal and I am sure , as Kali envisioned, that love manifests itself in some way the involved a lot of felt and a glue gun.

Granted, sometimes I think it is funny to take my own Red Sox hat and put it on my own dog. Mostly because I know it irritates him and when he scratches it off he then looks at me with the most disdainful eyes.

“What the fuck, bro,” he can say with those old eyes. “Now get me a raw hot dog wrapped in cheese before I crap on your shoes again.”

He could just as easily bite my face off.

There are people though, who dress their dogs/cats/birds not because they are trying to irritate their animal and get them into a playful fight or some sort with a beef flavored rope.

Fuck no, these people dress up their dogs because it is “fashionable” or they really do believe that making your terrier look like a witch and thus makes you the hot shit on the block.

I wonder if people would find it as funny if I dressed up a pit bull in a costume and let it loose on the general public. Dogs in costumes would not be nearly as cute if he is gnawing at your jugular.

Oh but the shit storm has yet to start.

I am anxiously awaiting the “anal leakage” and “spotty flatulence” that is expected to start here in the next day or so as I embark on another dieting attempt.

My girlfriend and I have decided that we need to lose some weight in the coming months as we both have put on a considerable amount – mostly due to heavy drinking and then the drunk food that follows.

Last year at exactly this time I started a diet that involved a personal trainer and an expensive gym membership. I went from 300 to about 220 in six months. I’m back up to about 250, but maintaining.

Now I am prepared to attack this crap from all angles. We are going full throttle.

I am running again, eating healthier and supplementing my diet with a health dose of over the counter and slightly illegal pills.

Alli seems to be the most popular right now – mostly because it is the only the FDA approves of. But their modest claim to lose 3-5 lbs alone was not enough.

So we upped the ante and found a cadre of drug pushers to also hook me up with some industrial hoodia and a little bit of ephedrine laced with meth.

The combination should be a great jump start to this diet and give me the runs of an illegal migrant worker.

Look out world. As I reach my ideal weight I am going to be an unstoppable force of attractive man meat. That is, if you can get over the poop stains on my pants.

1 comment:

blythe said...


And fuck those LSAT sons of bitches. That test is biased toward white men anyway.



But seriously, that sucks, man.