Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy (fucking) Valentine's Day, redux

Usually, when you are young and fresh out of college, you are naive and idealistic. Not me, fuck no. I knew the score early. Back then, I was preparing for a life of misery, depression and heavy drinking... OK, so in four years somethings have not changed here at the WW.

From the archive, a Feb 2006 rant about this blessed holiday:

"Why do you eat and drink so much?"
"Well, at least I can feel full rather than nothing at all."
— Bobby Hill to Bill, King of the Hill.

Wonderful, it is another great holiday that we all can gather around and sing the hymns of love and pure kindness and other rot like that.

Valentines Day — where we wait for Love to come bounding down the chimney to fill our stockings with various STD and other disappointments. Well, kiddies, just like Santa Clause, Love does not exist. it was a fucking lie perpetuated by your parents as they fell deeper and deeper into debt because of you.

This nugget of information was not imparted to me by my professors or some role model — no, it was shouted at me by some asshole from a moving vehicle. It actually sounded more like 'Suck my Balls,' but the meaning was the same.

Of course, as people all over the country embrace and show how much they love one another despite how much how fat we are despite a post-new years resolution, I sure as hell was not about to let anyone be happy around me today.

Sitting in my office, one young girl came bounding in and announced that after her studying and class work, her current boyfriend of the week was going to take her to dinner at some fancy place and then spend the evening with her watching a movie about how we all were simpler in high school or about how life can be summed up by one hopeless comedy of idiots who do not know shit about the world.

I was not going to have this. So, I found something I did not like about her and proceeded to yell at her for about 15 minutes.

"I was having such a good day until now," she said on the verge of tears.

"Not my problem. Fuck you. Happy Valentine's Day."

Fuck, it was even more depressing today as I was sitting in my attorney's office and we both mused about this jovial day of mirth and frivolity.

"You know, it is kind of sad that the only person I am expecting to wish me a happy Valentine's day is Mom," my attorney thought out-loud burying his head into the newspaper and trailing off.

The sad part was so far that day my mom had already called me. That was the only phone call I expected, too. Oh, but don't pity me or think I am some kind of abnormality.

I sit pretty comfortably at the news desk. The only thing I envy right now is the team of sports reporters who are violently writing and reporting the latest cluster-fuck by this athletic department. Shit, when will this god-awful storm end. They get to write the stories, I just sit here and read them like every other brain-dead idiot who picks up this garbage we call The Missourian.

You know, I have had fun valentines days in the past (grade school parties and crap in high school does not count). No, last year was pretty good. There was no expectation or planning. It was just me drunk in a tree shouting non-sense to the people below. Next to me was the one woman who seemed to understand it all and continued to reach into my coat pockets for her next beer. But she is gone now.

Never again.

Dan Savage was talking in his column that Valentines day really is nothing more than a corporate holiday. Well, that is nothing new, but I did appreciate his counter-holiday to this vile event

Steak and Blow Job day.

On this day, women across the country will serve up a fine steak and one blow job to each guy. Instead of chocolates and flowers — T-bone and a face fuck.

Frankly, he said, the only reason it has not made it national, is because Hallmark has yet to figure out how to fit it all on a card. This is the kind of man who needs to be a woman — that I can date.

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