TO: Chairman of meeting requesting Mike Ekey's attendance
FROM: The department of legal (and extramarital) affairs
RE: Your meeting
We are thrilled that you, hereto referred to as THE CHAIRMAN, has requested Mike Ekey, hereto referred to as THE ARTIST, to attend your meeting to discuss matters related to: Marketing, public relations, bartending, and/or the breeding of small goats.
As per the Outlook Calendar notification, THE ARTIST will arrive at your meeting on time and will be present for the duration only if the room get adequate cellular or Wi-Fi service compatible with THE ARTISTS current phone/device. If this is not possible, then expect THE ARTIST to leave periodically to check his Words With Friends account and random text messages.
Also, to accommodate THE ARTIST, our team has made several non-negotiable, requests before we can proceed:
I) Craft Table:
A) Morning meeting - If the meeting is to begin before NOON then THE CHAIRMAN will provide a breakfast spread consisting of doughnuts, bagels and/or fresh fruit. Three varieties of bagel smear will also be available. Beverages will consist of fresh fruit juice (absolutely no juices from concentrate), Coca Cola products and water. No Coffee.
1) If the meeting is to take place before 9 A.M., then THE CHAIRMAN must provide a hot breakfast spread of ham and egg sandwiches on wheat bread or croissant. Heinz Ketchup must also be available along with fresh fruit and an assortment of juices (see above). Whether you serve bacon or sausage is entirely up to you, but one must be present.
2) Coffee - Although THE ARTIST does not drink coffee, there must be some readily available so the artist can instead request hot water for his Green Tea, which will be provided by you. Do not prepare the hot water ahead of time as this request is made at the meeting only to delay THE CHAIRMAN and the meeting itself.
B) Afternoon meeting - If the meeting is to take place after NOON then THE CHAIRMAN will provide at least three types of savory snacks including, but not limited too: Cashews, almonds, potato chips (kettle cooked only), pub mix (Costco only), Chex Mix, trail mix, etc.
1) Beverages - A variety of Coca Cola products must be available along with various waters from differing regions.
II) Meeting length:
A) While it is possible for the meeting to last more than an hour it is highly discouraged. If it must last more than an hour the following items must be present for the entertainment of THE ARTIST:
1) Lego bricks - At least two sets of Lego bricks must ready to be given once THE ARTIST looses interest in your presentation. Once opened, the Lego sets will become the property of THE ARTIST.
2) Board Games - A variety of board games including, but not limited to: Scrabble, Risk, Stratego, etc. must be present as well. Once opened the games also become property of THE ARTIST.
III) Other items that will be on hand and given to THE ARTIST
1. All relevant points from the presentation will be printed and bound before meal service at the meeting.
2. All notes that need to be taken during the meeting should be pre-written
3. Any e-mails referenced in the meeting will be printed and bound in chronological order
4. Meeting notes from all previous meetings that might be referenced or talk about in this meeting
5. A package of fresh white socks and t-shirts
6. A liter of Old Crow Bourbon